I was a few minutes into a “this was a huge mistake” breakdown, until I was prompted to write. It’s been a while.
It’s been said that we must live by faith and not by sight. Well, I’m going to need to be equipped with ten times more faith than this mustard seed I’ve been anxiously twirling around in my pocket. Three years ago, this month, I was talking to a friend about summer plans and the future. As she was listing off grad schools she was preparing to apply to , “California, Tennessee, South Carolina, Texas…” something quickly stopped short in me. It was like a halted moment in time that made so much sense. “I’m supposed to go there,” my heart spoke. It was so confident, so sure. I am supposed to go to Texas.
At that point I had a whole year of school left, so I didn’t think much of it. But in my prayers I would occasionally ask God, “What could I possibly do for You in Texas?” At the time I had no dreams, no vision for my life past Tuesday. That’s just how it was. And this? This crazy, random hold on my heart made no sense. But it began to be the only hope I had.
Cleaning dishes late in the night at my food service job, unamused at my desk during my “dream” internship, suffering through LA traffic, battling through a season of post-grad depression and loneliness, painting through my frustrations – this is what I’ve held onto through it all. This God given promise that my life would be bigger than my city limits, deeper than the darkest part of me, larger than the power of my flesh, wider than what my own small mind could dream. For His glory.
So as I move from leap of faith to leap of faith into this season of my life, I’m betting on a promise that since before time began my life was specifically made for a purpose. In character and calling. This moment in time is not the cap for me, just like all the moments before this. I’m betting everything on God’s faithfulness. That’s the only thing I’ve ever known to be constant and true. If I just let go and trust long enough I’ll get the privilege to see how big God truly is.
He is worthy of so much more than our doubts, I’m learning over and over again. You can have just as much faith as those who have been called before. You can be used for just as many wonderful things as the next person. Do you want it?
“You have to be brave with your life so that others can be brave with theirs.”